sohappyicoulddie's Blog

please?
don't hurt me anymore..
i can't take it..
right now. just stop
please. pleasepleasepleaseplease.

you say your going to protect me...
but it took me threatening my life for you to get there. even now your not doing anything.. im still here..
HE'S NEVER GOING TO STOP, MOTHER.
never. you KNOW that.

even if i do get out.. (my therapist that i only met with ONCE IS WORKING HARDER AT IT THAN YOU ARE.. )
i have these.. scars.. on the inside.. on the outside.
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO WANT TO KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE.
and whats most embarrassing about that is.. i did it to myself.. the red lines all over my skin.. they are a result of something nobody else could see.. him.. the reason for everything bad.  because i was trapped inside my own self.. this terrible world without love or trust or hope or happiness or god. only me. me. i hate me.
THANK YOU.
 
but now there is something that is bigger inside of me. i can see now.. how small he is.. how pitiful he is..
how i told him i wanted him to leave and never see him again and he came to me and gave me some bullshit story about how it's just the way he is.. he was born like that... his hands in his pockets and his feet together.. standing 10 feet away from me in the yard. and when i turned and walked away in the middle of something stupid he was saying.. he didn't even blow up. he just stood there watching me.
pussy.

what i got out this hell is something big. something YOU CAN'T HAVE.
me.
i still hate myself. i will always hate myself. i will always cry myself to sleep every night because i need to get out of myself.. to not be me anymore.  unless jordan is there because he makes everything inside of me beautiful.
but i am a fighter now.
ive fought the devil.
and myself.
and god.